Love of a Father

This december will mark 12 years since my dad passed away. After his death, I spent many years trying to forget him because it was too painful to remember him and the wonderful memories I had of him. I felt betrayed by his death and blamed for him leaving me so early in my life. Did he not love me enough? What had I done to deserve my father leaving me at a time when I was getting out of my teenage years and just staring to appreciate what a wonderful person he was.

It's only in the past year or so that I've been able to come to terms with my dad's passing. The first step was to have the guts to display his picture in my living room. This way, I feel that atleast he is here to watch over me and help me in my times of need. Sentimental ? Perhaps yes.

But I have come to the conclusion that alive, or in heaven, my dad is in my life and with me through everything. Every time I have had a tough situation in my life, my dad appears in my dreams. This has hapened without fail for the past 12 years, but it took me a long time to realize that this was his way of being here for me without being here in person. So I had no reason to be angry with him.

I do wonder how different my life would be if my dad was alive today. Where would I be living, what kind of lifestyle would I have, what would I be doing? Then I wonder whether he approves of the decisions that I have made in my life. Would he have approved of my career, my choice of spouse? The latter bugs me the most. Conventional wisdom says that women look for qualities in a spouse that remind them of their father. Is that true in my case? And would my dad have approved?

Everyone in my family knows that my dad and I shared a very special relationship. I was his first-born and his princess. He spared no expense to make me a success in school and beyond. His love was unconditional and infinite. I could do no wrong in his eyes. He protected and sheltered me from every storm in life. And gave me the freedom to spread my wings and explore the world on my own terms. I knew that he would always be there to catch me if I fell.

I think thats why his death hit me really hard. The only person who loved me uncondtionally for who I am was no more. And I really really hated him for leaving me to fend by myself. I know my mother and brother love me a lot and will do anything for me, but I don't think that anyone can love me as much as my dad did. Love, pure, unconditional, unwavering and infinite.

Life is tough for me these past few days. Someone close to me did something that hurt my feelings so much that I cannot even bear to talk to him. And at this time, I am really really missing my dad. I wish he was here in person to calm me, soothe me and tell me everything will be ok. I really need some tender, loving care right now and there's no one here to give that to me. Had he been alive, I would have run into his arms and cried out my hurt. He would have given me a great big hug, swept my hair and let me cry till I could cry no more. Oh how I wish he was here with me right now. Nothing is greater than a father's love and even at the age of 31 I am craving to crawl into his arms like a little child and staying there for the rest of my life.